Years have passed since the Scottish Independence Referendum was held and the political landscape has changed. Big Nellie Nellis has been voted First Minister, and things are about to get interesting as all the political parties are given the benefit of her very unparliamentary sound bites!

Contents Acknowledgements 6 Preface 7 Scottish Parliament Characters in Naw First Minister 8 Introduction 11 Chapter 1 In the Beginning was the Word 17 Chapter 2 Big Nellie’s Inaugural Speech as First Minister 37 Chapter 3 Squeaky Bum Time! 43 Chapter 4 Go Ahead, Make My Day! 69 Chapter 5 The Investigation 81Chapter 6 On Desert Island Discs 91 Chapter 7 A Working Majority 115 Chapter 8 Dirty Pool 129 Chapter 9 Love and the Royals 139 Chapter 10 Intrigue 149Chapter 11 Exposed! 157 Chapter 12 Hold the Front Page! 173 BBC News Bulletin 179Chapter 13 How the Scottish Parliament Actually Operates 181 Further Big Nellie ‘Whollyrude’ observations 187

With no party having a majority it was decided the position of First Minister should go to neutral, AGSTLO (‘Ah’m Gonnae Sort This Lot Oot’ party) MSP, Big Nellie Nellis, a controversial imposing lady with the relics of beauty still on her face, unapologetically long legs which look as though they could stretch into different time zones, and bosoms requiring their own postal codes. Her over-bearing appearance and vibrancy, assisted by a continually refilled hip flask of single malt, make her formidable to all and sundry. Forget Mrs Thatcher, Mrs Merkel, Mrs Gillard, Mrs Meir and Ms Sturgeon. These women were absolute softies compared to Big Nellie. When Big Nellie Nellis bounds into Scottish politics after a fish supper and a cockup too far, her brash reason wins an electorate weary of the pointless jabbering of a divided Parliament. However, shaking up the status quo of Holyrood sets some slippery MSPs delving into Nellie’s past to uncover the truth about Scotland’s least likely political leader.