The Rules of Parenting: A Personal Code for Raising Happy, Confident Children, Expanded Edition Contents Introduction xi Part I Rules for Staying Sane 2 1 Relax 4 2 No One Is Perfect 6 3 Be Content 8 4 Know What You’re Good at 10 5 Almost Any Rule Can Be Broken Occasionally 12 6 Don’t Try to Do Everything 14 7 You Don’t Have to Follow Every Piece of Advice You Get (Including This One) 16 8 It’s Normal to Want to Escape 18 9 You’re Allowed to Hide from Your Kids 20 10 Parents Are People Too 22 11 Don’t Ignore Your Relationship with Your Partner 24 Part II Attitude Rules 26 12 Love Is Not Enough 28 13 Every Recipe Needs Different Ingredients 30 14 Anything Extreme Is Almost Certainly Wrong 32 15 Look Pleased to See Them 34 16 Treat Your Child with Respect 36 17 Enjoy Their Company 38 18 It’s Not about You – It’s about Them 40 19 Being Tidy Isn’t as Important as You Think 42 20 Good Parenting Is Calculated Risk Taking 44 21 Keep Your Worries to Yourself 46 22 See Things from Their Point of View 48 23 Parenting Is Not a Competitive Sport 50 24 Never Emotionally Blackmail Them 52 Part III Everyday Rules 54 25 Let Them Get On with It 56 26 Let Them Go (Wild) 58 27 Teach Them to Think for Themselves 60 28 Use Praise Wisely 62 29 Make Sure They Know What’s Important 64 30 Show Them How to Lose 66 31 Know the Value of Boundaries 68 32 Bribery Doesn’t Have to Be Bad 70 33 Moods Are Catching 72 34 You’re Setting Their Eating Patterns for Life 74 35 Communicate 76 36 Set Clear Targets 78 37 Don’t Be a Nag 80 Part IV Discipline Rules 82 38 Present a United Front 84 39 Carrots Beat Sticks 86 40 Be Consistent 88 41 Lighten Up 90 42 Focus on the Problem, Not the Person 92 43 Don’t Paint Yourself into a Corner 94 44 If You Lose Your Temper, You’re the Loser 96 45 Apologize if You Get It Wrong 98 46 Let Them Back in 100 47 The Right of Expression 102 Part V Personality Rules 104 48 Find What Incentives Work for Your Child 106 49 Every Child Should Have Something He Knows He’s Good At 108 50 Learn to Appreciate the Qualities That Remind You of Someone Else 110 51 Look for the Similarities Between You 112 52 Find Qualities to Admire in Them 114 53 Let Them Be Better Than You 116 54 Their Attitude Is as Important as Their Achievements 118 55 Keep Your Fears and Insecurities to Yourself 120 56 Mind Your Programming 122 57 Don’t Try to Have a Perfect Child 124 Part VI Sibling Rules 126 58 Give Them Each Other 128 59 Recognize that Squabbling Is Healthy (Within Reason) 130 60 Teach Them to Fight Their Own Battles 132 61 Work as a Team 134 62 Let Them Entertain Each Other 136 63 Never Compare Children with Each Other 138 64 Different Children Need Different Rules 140 65 Don’t Have a Favorite 142 66 Mix and Match 144 67 Find Each Child’s Strengths 146 Part VII School Rules 148 68 Schooling Isn’t the Same as Education 150 69 School Comes as a Package 152 70 Fight Your Child’s Corner 154 71 Bullying Is Always Serious 156 72 Teach Them to Stand Up for Themselves 158 73 Put Up with Friends of Theirs You Don’t Like 160 74 Remember You’re Their Parent, Not Their Teacher 162 75 Don’t Spoil Them 164 76 Let Up the Pressure 166 77 They Have to Live with Their Choices (and It’s OK) 168 Part VIII Teenage Rules 170 78 Don’t Panic 172 79 Remember Newton’s Third Law 174 80 Give Them a Voice 176 81 Don’t Look Under the Mattress 178 82 Running Around after Them Doesn’t Help Anybody 180 83 Don’t Stand in Front of a Speeding Train 182 84 Yelling Isn’t the Answer 184 85 Let Them Have the Last Word 186 86 Everything Comes with Strings 188 87 Show Some Respect for the Things They Care about 190 88 Adopt a Healthy Attitude to Sex 192 Part IX Crisis Rules 194 89 Don’t Use Your Kids as Ammunition 196 90 Let Them Cope in Their Own Way 198 91 Being Younger Doesn’t Necessarily Speed Everything Up 200 92 The Aftershock Can Last Forever 202 93 Tell Them What’s Going On 204 94 Teach Them to Fail Successfully 206 95 It’s Better to Agree Than to Be Right 208 96 All of Your Actions Speak Louder Than Any of Your Words 210 97 Make Sure They Know They’re Priority No. 1 212 98 You Can’t Fix Everything 214 Part X Grown-up Rules 216 99 Back Off 218 100 Wait Until They Ask for Advice 220 101 Treat Them as Adults 222 102 Don’t Try to Be Their Best Friend 224 103 Encourage Them Regardless 226 104 You Can’t Choose Who Your Children Love 228 105 Leave the Strings Off 230 106 Don’t Guilt-Trip Them 232 107 Remember They Still Need You 234 108 It’s Not Your Fault 236 109 Once a Parent, Always a Parent 238   Nobody Told Me That!: 10 Tools for Parenting Happy, Healthy Children About the Author xii Introduction xiii Tool 1: Make Their World Solid 1 Tool 2: Give Them Some Magic 23 Tool 3: Show Them How to Separate Right from Wrong 37 Tool 4: Teach Them to Think 49 Tool 5: Let Them Lead You 67 Tool 6: Forget Quality Time 83 Tool 7: Make Sure You See the Forest and the Trees 97 Tool 8: Teach Them the Value of Money 117 Tool 9: Show Them That Broccoli Can Be Fun 135 Tool 10: Give Them Each Other 159 Index 179   How Your Child Thinks: Give Your Child the Superpowers to Be a Happy, Healthy Person About the Author xiv Introduction 1 Chapter 1 X-ray Vision: What’s Going on Inside? 17 Chapter 2 Developing Super-Senses: The ABC of Feelings 31 Chapter 3 Mind Control for Beginners: The Foundations of Self-Control 67 Chapter 4 Becoming Indestructible: Nurturing Resilience in Young People 99 Chapter 5 Wrestling with Monsters: Overcoming Stress and Anxiety 125 Chapter 6 People Powers: Cultivating Social Confidence 173 Chapter 7 Unstoppable: Boosting Your Child’s Problem-Solving Skills 207 References 237 Index 245